Thank God for church women with typewriters.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
 

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
 

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
 

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
 

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
 

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
 

7. Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community.
 

8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who does not care much about you.
 

9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
 

10. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 

11. For those of you who have children and do not know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 

12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
 

13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions she is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
 

14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
 

15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 

19. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
 

20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
 

21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
 

22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
 

23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM-prayer and medication to follow.
 

24. The women of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 

25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 

26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All women are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
 

27. The pastor would appreciate it if the women of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
 

28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please Use the back door.
 

29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 

30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

I know what you said and thought after reading that.

Before you say anything else.... read on:

http://www.facebook.com/notes/samiris-ortiz/when-life-gives-you-lemons/10150193192712060

Porque empieza a querer una rata, a engordar  un puerco, abrazar  un oso,  mimar  un gusano,  pelear con un burro,  llorar por un perro, soportar rugidos de león, ronquidos de  erizo y gases con olor a zorrillo y lo que es peor, conformarse con un pequeño pajarito.......ja ja ja!!!!!!!! si eres mujer pásalo! Y si eres hombre gózalo!,,

jajajaja que opinan??????

"Immigrate to the United States. - Attorney Advertisement‏"

or visit:

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?created&&note_id=10150164440457060

© Samiris Ortiz

(from Directoalpaladar.com)http://www.directoalpaladar.com/otros/menu-espanol-ingles

_________________________

NOTE FROM SAMIRIS

All I can say this time is

BUEN PROVECHO jajajajaj

__________________________

Menú español-inglés

posted by :VelSid  

Crime never pays

but it did pay off for Langmates and its members!

Our collective work against this one scammer paid off!:

(This email message has been edited to protect link usage and email contacts)

8:11 AM

 Maksim Karganov (AIT)

•  

   

   
•  
•  
•  

 

 

 

Dear Samiris,

Thank you for helping with scam detection.

We have deleted user MADISON ELLA (madisonella74) on Langmates social network in accordance with the paragraph “User will not use Website to do anything unlawful, misleading, malicious, or discriminatory” of Terms and Conditions of Langmates (http://langmates.com/help_tos.php) due to the following reasons:

1. Frequent user reports.
2. Suspicious payment conditions.
3. Providing of unreliable information
4. Email madisonella74@gmail.com is in the list of scammers on the antiscam website http://www.joseandterrirentals.com/emails.html.
5. Email madisonella74@gmail.com is on the rental site.
6. There are no entries about Madison & Ella son's company on search engines.

Also we decided to provide you a bonus of 1000 Langpoints for your valuable assistance. (<- How nice of them!!! I have enough already but I'll take them!)

Thank you in advance.

Kind regards,
Maksim
----------------------------------------------
Maksim Karganov,
AIT Software Development Team

Ticket
HistoryMaksim Karganov (AIT) (Staff) Posted On: 04 May 2011 10:46 AM

---

Dear Samiris,

Thank you for contacting Langmates support and your help in scam detection.

We requested explanations from Madison Ella about the situation you described. If we will not receive clear explanations from this user, we will delete her profile from www.langmates.com.

We will let you know as soon as the issue will be solved.

Feel free to contact us if you require any help or have additional information about this user.

Best regards,
Maksim
----------------------------------------------
Maksim Karganov,
AIT Software Development Team

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ORIGINAL BLOG POST:

My fellow Langmates.

We must unite to combat situations that start like this.

Please contact Langmates.com Staff and let them know 

We already know the epic fails that free online automated translation can offer..... Just ask US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton how to say "reset' in Russian.

Thank goodness there are plenty of relief methods that ALSO offer HUMAN translation to achieve a message with quality, precision and a comprehension sent across the language barriers.

A popular free method in the internet is SDL's FreeTranslation.com.  Yes, most users who just cut and paste away their masterpieces soon end up with either mini horror novels or dramatic comedies. But for users who know better, they also offer (insert Angelic choir here) Human Translation! Web and Professional translations are also offered. 

Guess who performs such accurate work? Now, if that burned your grey matter here is a more challenging question:

Guess who some of these beautiful people come from?

The creators of FreeTranslation decided to join forces with OneHourTranslation.com to 'hire' their translators. It does not stop there... ANYONE who is a member of OneHourTranslation has the immediate (literally!) opportunity to be one of those 'temp agents'. 

OHT states in their pages: 

One Hour Translation provides professional, fast and affordable human translation services, available 24/7.

Our community of over 10000 professional certified translators around the world guarantee you will get high quality translation FAST!

They cover translations, proofreading, and an email based service is also available (Transbox). They recruit certified professionals.  I happen to be one of them. I am not rich out of their service yet (well.. who is???? anywhere???) but they do offer the opportunity quite often to be a translator from a few words to a number of pages. It's a pot luck draw. And basically if I am not checking my emails, I can always check their open project page to see if there is anything available.

How much does their outrageous membership cost? A whopping US$1.00  when I became a member. Through PayPal. For verification purposes. Their approval also consisted of a background check. After a few days I was 'certified' as a translator. 

Painlessly. And one buck less...

Knowing how much US users  go to freetranslation's page to chug out their messages, I would like to be 'in' on the few souls that actually use the human touch for theirs.

if you want to reap in that harvest feel free to join too! 

  <-click on the image and you'll be taken to their website.

<a href="http://www.onehourtranslation.com/affiliate/samiris"><img src="/FasterWeb/0.gif" alt="professional translation" border=0 onload="_fwii.lh(this, 'http://www.onehourtranslation.com/public/images/banners/set2/translation-services-125x125.jpg');"></a>

I was surprised.

Stunned.

My jaw dropped immediately.

And not in a good way.

As I was doing some research I came across these images.

I immediately contacted the company that is using these images online.

The thing is, if it is THIS BAD with the English to Spanish translation,

I am pretty sure the other translations are just as horrifying.

Original

German 

French version

The Spanish sweeping version....

...

Enjoy.

Now back to work!

I am a member of the

PayBox.me Service

I joined February 21, 2011.

My account has been very active these past two weeks.

I have created a blog diary where you can see into my PayBox.me account.

It is updated very frequently.

And as you will see, the earnings have also been very frequent!

Here is the PayBox.Me diary I have created so you can 'follow along" how

my account balance increases every time I log on.

To join for free and automatically receive $25 from PayBox.Me,

here is your special Langmates Referral link:

http://www.paybox.me/r/samiris

 

Be one of the first 5 Langmates members to accept this offer and I will personally add $10 to your account!

 

Thank you for your support!

 

Samiris

Owner & Founder

 

 

 

 

This blog is dedicated to the absolute JOY of seeing 33 souls being reBORN out of the entrails of the earth. I already called them the Lazarus 33.

Remember please, these brave men, willingly work a risky job and were trapped for 14 days BEFORE  anyone knew if they were alive.

From that day on Hope reigned.

And so was the name for the base-camp where their families and friends stayed to await their return out of the earth:

Esperanza.  

I love humor. I use it everyday, more than my toothbrush! It's my apple a day, so grab a bite! 

While watching in expectation to see these gentlemen literally come back to life, I looked at some of the comments Twitter was trending.....

oh oh

I now know who my tweeps are.... or at least what their MINDS are like.....

Here for your enjoyment, a few quirky thoughts about this historic inside out non moon landing and rescue.... as seen on the social media (boldfaced comments are mine...duh!)

"‎1 up, 32 more to be re-born. Thanks be to God. Amen! 1 arriba, 32 más para que re-nazcan. Gracias a Dios. Amén.#trappedminers

 jarelloveless (Jarel Loveless): They're going to get to the miner with a wife AND mistress waiting and he's going to be like "No, I'm good...I'll stay here"

roywoodjr (Roy Wood, Jr.): 1st MINER RESCUED: First Class Plane Ticket, Foot Massage 33rd MINER RESCUED: Hand Job in the back of a Greyhound

 L_iotL_c (Elliott Elsey): Patiently awaiting to see what people look like after living 2000 ft underground for 70 days...

 Gemini_Minx (Stephanie R. Smith): Wonder what they'll be called after they get out?

 karmickaty (Katy Morrison): I want to see the miner that has the wife & mistress waiting up the top : he survived the mine but will he survive the women!

misterbrilliant (Steve Hogarty): I'd like it if they opened the first capsule and a tired looking David Blaine was inside.

wwtdd (wwtdd by JRubino): the rescue workers in chile should have worn some scary zombie makeup to freak out the miners as they come to the surface.

 ‎33 miners, 33 days to get the drilling to them, first miner out on 10/13/10 (local date) which all add up to 33! all I can say is no less than 33 thank yous :)

2nd one to come out... HUMOR impersonated: 2nd thing he did after hugging wife: got down to get his bag with souvenirs for everyone: ROCKS!!!

 Don Francisco será uno de los rescatistas...

:#silosminerosfuerandeaca (Puerto Rico) ya tendrían uno vendiéndoles la t-shirt diciendo "yo sobreviví 70 días con los mineros de Chile" al lado de otro vendiéndole t-shirts diciendo " yo rescaté a uno de los 33...

•  Carol-Marie Selles Te falta el q esta vendiendo Los pinchos al lado!!!!! LOL LOL
•  mate con churrascos...
•  y chimichurri

fleetstreetfox: CHILEAN MINERS! THIS IS DAVINA! "Feck that, Pablo let's go back down."

 Bolivian comes out of Chilean mine. Mapquest blamed.

 ‎(GizaWBZ)These Chilean miners have been on the clock straight through since early august - imagine the OT they've racked up!

 This is too fun! it is great to be able to make lighthearted jokes about the success of this event, I'll end up doing a Note because I am still trying to catch up with my tweeps... (you are now in the middle of reading the results...)

kevinlukemay Blimey - lost count how many reporters the BBC has in Chile for the mineworker rescue.

bennaiqbal Te rescue operations and every action happening at the #mine in#SanJose #Chile is absolutely an inspiration to the world.

DanRebellato One miner should emerge limping and ill, then do a crazy little backflip like Gene Wilder in the Willy Wonka movie. Sort it OUT, Chile.

SklarBrothers If I'm a Chilean miner, and I get pulled out of the shaft, my first question: Who do I talk to about overtime?

sultanmarv "Kenya and the kikuyu members association would like to thank chile for the safe rescue of all the mainas"

luna17activist Margaret Thatcher's 85th birthday today. World media dominated by heroic solidarity of miners in #chile. Lovely timing.

ertugsilay Congratulations Chile! dear Chilean miners, Welcome to Earth after 69days!

foto8 I'm not sure the rescued miners are going to be able to escape the 1700 journalist cluster f*ck awaiting on the surface.

sergeyrybkin Sergey Rybkin Looking at this rotating wheel tightens the heart #mineros

Jimmy Sánchez the youngest #CHILEan #miner is out. He's only 19. And the one who will get the most marriage proposals....

Awkward moment in Chile when Angelina Jolie arrived to adopt all the miners.

RodnerFigueroa The youngest of the miners wrote to his family: "we are not 33 we are 34 because God has always been down here with us" AMEN!

rsmccain My Spanish isn't so good, but I'm pretty sure that rescued Chilean miner just said, "I'm going to Disney World!" Either that, or "Drink More Ovaltine!"  Little known fact: Even before they were rescued, the Chilean miners were already eligible to vote in Chicago

The heroic Chilean miners rescuers should be hired to unearth Osama Bin Laden.

And I close with this statement from Mario Sepúlveda, segundo minero en ser rescatado. (2nd miner to be rescued)

"Ví a Dios . Ví al diablo. Dios ganó."

"I met God. I met the devil. God won" 

As if translating is not challenging enough, here are some terms we are bound to deal with in any other language. Enjoy!

21 weird words of the 21st century: but what do they mean?

1) Frenemy
2) Cheeseball
3) Turducken
4) Catastrophising
5) LBD
6) Deleveraging
7) Tweetup
8) Soft skills
9) Staycation
10) Defriend
11) Bromance
12) Matchy-matchy
13) Cool hunter
14) Overthink
15) Hikikomori
16) Freemium
17) Chillax
18) Fussbudget
19) Steampunk
20) Bargainous
21) Buzzkill

If this looks familiar, delete it.

Explanation below.

 

5:51 PM

 

Reply  ?

 

 Andrina Wilson

To jenuli@msn.com

 

From: Andrina Wilson (kollyrash04@yahoo.co.uk)  Sent: Wed 10/06/10 5:51 PM To: jenuli@msn.com  

1 attachment   format   .    ppt (480.0 KB) 

 

 

 

 

Hello My name is Andrina Wilson, I am presently in the UK now for some conference and by the 27th of October, I will need to talk to some section of Spanish Speakers. I will want you to help convert my English power point slide to Spanish for the purpose of my Spanish speakers. I will like to know how much it would cost to convert the 17-20 page power point document and I will like to have the name and address you would want my associate to mail the payment to. Lastly, the duration of the work..I hope to read back from you soon.
Thanks
Andrina

What makes this a scam?

1. Awful use of English. If they indeed speak UK English, they need Spanish interpreters along with translators. They can't even write one of them correctly...

2. Sent from and name in letter do not match. 3rd party involves= too much of a party....

3. They sent the pps file. Just like that. No preset fee, contract, agreement, nothing. Really? and you think I will just open it too, right?

4. If they found my email, they should use it, but somehow my name is NOT jenuli@msn.com in any one of my online contact information...

5. Verifying the email address this was 'sent to' shows the following results:

What is being verified:
Format: "address@domain.xxx" 
Valid domain: "smith@new.york" is not valid 
Valid user: Verify that the user and mailbox really exist
 

End of lesson.

Junk mail. It's my reality. 

Today's winner email is exactly that. 

A winner.

...it has come to this.....

TRANSLATED SCAM EMAILS! 

ready to be served among inboxes anywhere!

Here is the latest culprit...

 

1:45 AM

 

Reply  ?

 

 

 angelapaul?4u@cantv.ne?t

•  
•  

 Add to contacts

To angelapaul4u@cantv.net

 

From: angelapaul4u@cantv.net (angelapaul4u@cantv.net)  Sent: Fri 8/27/10 1:45 AM To: angelapaul4u@cantv.net

 

 

 

 

This message is here because your junk e-mail filter is set to exclusive. 

 

ENGLISH AND SPANISH 

Good Day my dear,
PLEASE DO REPLY ME WITH THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: angelapual4u@yahoo.co.jp

I am Miss Angela Paul from liberia. I am an orphan being that I lost my father a couple of months ago.My father was a politician. He was assassinated by the rebels at congo during the political uprising in that country.He went to visit his friend in congo unfortunately,his friend was among of people the rebels attacked and my father was with his friend when the rebels attacked them and the rebels killed him and his friend.
So,when i got the information that my father is dead,i went to his bedroom and took his briefcase where he use to keep his important documents to my friend's house for safty.Later,i opened the briefcase and i saw a document he use to deposite nine million U.S Dollars ($9,000,000,00M) in one truck box in security company in Cote D' Ivoire as family valuables and i am the next of kin.I went to that security company and met the manager and informed him about the death of my father and i also tell him that sooner i will like them to transfar that our family valueables to our foreign family friend country and he agreed with me and tell me that anytime i am ready for that,that he will make sure that the box get to were i want it to go.
Since the death of my father my uncle has claim all that my late father has, he is so wicked, he wants me dead by all means so that nobody will ever come for my father properties.He has siezed and claimed everything belongs to my father, but he never knew about the deposite, my mother died when i was ten years old. Right now i am the only one that know all about this deposite.
Please this fund is my only hope of survival in this world, I want you to do me a favour by assisting me to claim and retrieve that box from that company.I want you to contact the security company and stand as our family foreign friend that want to help us transfar that our family valables box to your country,then they will tell you all you have to do to help me transfar the box to your country so that immediately you recieve it i will start preparing to come and met you and start a new life with you there.I promise you that i will give you 30% of total money after everything has been done.If you are interesting to help me,get back to me so that i will give you the contact of the company.

Thanks and best regards.
Miss Angela Paul 

ESPANOL
hola,
mi nombre es Angela Paul, estoy de liberia. estoy huerfana, porque he perdido a mi padres . mi padre esta asesinado en Congo durante el crisis politico. estaba alla para visitar a su amigo quien era politician como él cuando los rebeldes atacan la casa de su amigo. han matado a ellos ( su amigo y él).
estoy ahora sola porque he perdido a mi madre cuando yo fue 4 años. 
cuando estaba arreglado sus cosas en su cuarto he visto en su malétin un documento que compulsa el deposito de 9000000 $ (nueve millon de dolard) en una caja fuerte en una compaña de seguridad de costa de marfil. ( en la ciudad Abidjan). este dinero esta depositado como una valor familial.
ahora estoy en Abidjan . he llendo al compaña de seguridad para informar al director de la muerte de mi papa y tambien verificar por la caja. el directivo ha confirmado que la caja esta en su oficina. 
como estoy la heredera quisiera que me ayuda transferir la caja en tu pais para que vengo a seguir mis estudios. desde la muerto de mi papa sus padres han tomado todo lo que tenemos ; estan ahora vivido en nustra casa. 
este dinero en la compaña de seguridad es lo que me resto. pienso que sus padres no saben nada de este deposito.
por favor quisiera que usted me ayuda transferir el dinero en su pais y despues quisiera que ma ayude llegar alla. vivo aqui en el peligroso. los hermanos de mi padre quieren matarme. usted esta mi solo esperanza.
si usted acepta de ayudarme dimelo y le voy enviar el contacto de la compaña de seguridad .
si me ayuda a transferir la caja en tu pais , quisiera que me ayude usted a investir . despues de todo vamos discutir el porcentaje que usted quiere.
por favor ayudame salir de esta situacion morosa. por favor ayudame a vivir. es muy importante por mi salir de este pais rapido.
estoy esperando su respuerta.
que Dios le bendiga.

gracias.
PS: como puede usted ver no hablo bien español. he tratado, espero que me entendre.mi email direccion es: angelapual4u@yahoo.co.jp señorita Angela Paul
 

I'm not even going to attempt to start cleaning up this worthless message. I have way more junk mail to get rid of....

Filed in file drawer no. 13....

if you don't know what that means...just delete too!

Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2010 06:20:18 +0200
To: -=my email=-
Subject: GoTranslators - There is Spanish teacher job opportunity in your State
From: arial.company@gmail.com



----------------------
MESSAGE DIRECTLY SENT
BY CLICKING YOUR MAIL LINK
[Private and unchecked mailing!]

Sender IP: 77.235.31.143 [Port: 1124]
Date: 22/07/2010 - 06H20 [BE time]
(Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 8.0; Windows NT 5.1; Trident/4.0; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; .NET CLR 2.0.50727; InfoPath.1) / ru)
---------------------- Sender : Marina Mouline (arial.company@gmail.com) Recipient : Samiris  (my email) Attachment : --- ---   Subject : GoTranslators - There is Spanish teacher job opportunity in your State   Good morning!
There is Spanish teacher job opportunity in your State. If you interested, send please your CV. You don`t need to pay .
Best regards,
Arial linguistic company 

• No specifed "State".
• "There is Spanish..." not the correct "There is *A* Spanish...."
• "If you interested..." instead of "If you *ARE* interested..."
• "Send please your CV" ...more worser grammar rules here are, Yoda!
• "You don t have to pay"... well, the idea is I get paid anyway, right? and
• "Don t " suddenly has become a French term?

It's official: it's an official spoof.

But just by my standards...So I send it to the 'service' I received it .:from:. 

INVESTIGATION

I received the following on Monday August 23, 2010. Please help me confirm the authenticity of this sender.

(copy of above email in its entirety)

inetnum:         77.235.29.0 - 77.235.31.255netname:         MEGALINEdescr:           P2Pcountry:         KGadmin-c:         YA446-RIPEtech-c:          YA446-RIPEstatus:          ASSIGNED PAmnt-by:          MNT-NETCOMKGsource:          RIPE # Filtered

person:          Aleksandr Yunaddress:         Rozakova str. 55address:         720000, Bishkek, Kyrgyzstane-mail:          yunsasha@megaline.kgphone:           +996312627848

Beware...

Best regards,

Luc Destruvaux(support@gotranslators.com)  GoTranslatorsis a division ofWeb-Refer SPRLRue E. Vandervelde 30,5140 LignyBELGIUM

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!!!

Translation & Interpreter Service© is also on Twitter @samiris!

Tweet (follow) us @samiris!  

Tweeteanos a @samiris

Tweet moi @samiris!

Tweet @samiris

 This is the story of a true story.

I previously shared a version of one of my experiences as an interpreter.

It was well received and I was pleasantly surprised.

When I edited it, it was accepted for a short story contest!

The contest is now in its final days and so far has been doing very well.

I'd like to share it with those who still are unaware of some of the realities of what our job entails...

VOTE & COMMENT for this story! (final days!):

(You may click on the following link or the picture below)

http://www.shortstorybook.net/2010/08/01/miss-interpreting-short-contest-story/

Thank you for your amazing support!

Samiris

Interpreter, Translator, Proofreader and soon to be award winning Author!

If you are a Facebook-er

feel free to LIKE our page and share with others!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Translation-Interpreter-ServiceC/122608444446471

We've been here since 2007, but have been in service since 1978!!!

Thank you for your support!

Samiris

Administrator

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Translation-Interpreter-ServiceC/122608444446471